lets_be_honest Plus, I like Rick Castle. I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. She is also noncompetitive. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? You're surely not alone. YES! July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. But for practical advice: board games. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. FUCK BOARD GAMES. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Which is exactly why she wrote in. lets_be_honest Or else hes doing a disservice to her. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. Talk about missing the point. There are many things I love about my husband. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. lets_be_honest My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. haha. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. I think dad is being a bully. Did I love that stuff? My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Well-said, courtney. Agreed. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. But the show as a whole, awesome. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. No. lets_be_honest Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Buffy was popular in what, 1997? I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! Shes all the better for it. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. I agree with Wendy here. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Are you on Tumblr? If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Skyblossom July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. I know I did. He is also very critical of both of US He is, however, driven and self-reliant. I think you are probably right. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! You always give good advice (duh!) Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Too little time to post! I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? painted_lady However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. WWS. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. Will he ever change? Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. If the issue is raised during a child custody . Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. Hes putting her down. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. I can't even. Nope, not from Scranton. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) See a different horoscope: Select Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Make it easier for him to be his best self. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. Ive been there. Blow out the torches! My fave was Joey for the record. lets_be_honest July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. I helped with yard work. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. He also occasionally went to movies with us. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? Im dying for new people to follow! A lot of painful disappointments in life. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. (Kept me sane), Astronomer This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Continue with Recommended Cookies. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch.